Some light.

I promise this post will end on a good note.

I got a bit of disturbing news this morning. I can't and won't share what but I am just tired of being hurt and disappointed by this man I called a husband, just 1 month ago. I am also just disgusted in the choice of "people" he now surrounds himself with. I now believe they are perfect for each other. A family was destoyed over this dumb choice that they BOTH made. How either of them can continue to respect one another is beyond me. And exactly that... beyond. I am done. I am done being nice and playing the good person card. No one has done that for me, so why the hell should I do it for them? Our son should be number 1. No one else. And once he falls to the side and is no longer first priority to you, I rid myself of you in my life. I lose respect and love. I hate that I am still in love with this man. But everyday I fall more and more out of it. There is no way I can love a man who throws away his family for a temporary emotion. He will come around, I just know it. He will regret all of this and it will be too late. I deserve better and I WILL have better. He doesn't. Neither of them do. He could have done this differently and the right way. But no, he wanted to play dirty. I don't play dirty. In fact, I hate being dirty. So I won't. I'm done.

And now for the positive...

I was leaving my mom's work tonight and the tire pressure light in my car came on. I got out, found a giant nail in one of tires, and just lost it. I headed straight out to Wal-Mart since it was already 7 and I knew nowhere else would be open. On the drive, I broke down. So I turned the music off, listened to my son hum a sweet tune, rolled the windows down, and prayed. I prayed loud and hard to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for help, guidance, comfort, and stability. They only took 30 mins to fix my tire. And it barely cost me anything, which I was extremely grateful for since money is very tight. While we waited, I took Rem to Subway for dinner. We sat in the booth next to each other and shared a sandwich. He had his own little half and just looking at him eat and smile and kick his feet around as they dangled, warmed my soul. All this time I kept thinking I wasn't lovable anymore. I was blinded and I admit that I haven't been the best mother the past month. But in that moment, I was reminded of the best blessing I have. He knows no pain, no judgment, no hate. He just loves me. He loves his mommy and sharing a sandwich with me was the best part of his day. I came home, gave him a bath, and laughed so hard when he put bubbles on his nose. Then we were laying in my bed with my mom, talking to my sister in Korea, when my phone rang. I got the job :) It's only 2 days a week and doesn't pay much but man did it make me feel good. They chose ME. They believe in ME. And he doesn't. It was just another reminder of why I NEED to be here.

Him and I are through. But my best days are yet to come. I have the love of my life, a job, a car, a support system that people only dream of, and I have my faith. Faith that the Lord will hold my hand through every moment of this and bless me with love again someday.