Work. It does a body good.

Well I started work today. It was only paperwork and orientation, but it was really great to be there. My boss is super nice and flexible. I hope I can get along with everyone and that they will like me and trust me. Tomorrow is my first official day on the "job". I am training for 3 days, then I will be on my own. My hours are 3:30-8:30 am. I know that sounds rough but actually I am really looking forward to it. I will have all day and evenings off with Remington and will only ever need a sitter for about 2 hours. Plus, I haven't worked in 2 years, so this will be an easy transition until I am ready for full-time.

Jeremy is coming to visit this weekend. He is really excited to see Remington. I am glad that we were able to talk like adults and work it out that he come. I know he wanted to badly but felt pressured not too. Seeing Remington is what is most important. NOTHING else. NO ONE else. We are going to do things as a family too. I have the weekend off and we plan on spending it together. I know people probably won't understand but we are still a family. I want Remington to know that he has us both at all times. I think it will be fun. We are finally in a good place with each other. We still love each other and want to be a family. Despite what he did, we were in a bad place and really needed some time apart. We are both happy and enjoying being apart. I have been able to do a lot and not feel guilty about it. I have seen friends and family I haven't been able to see in awhile. It has been just fantastic. And I really feel like we are both where we need to be, right now. Neither of us know what the future holds. All we know is that Remington is OURS. He connects us and we will ALWAYS be a family. No one will ever come between that.

And lastly, I want to share another special moment I had with Remington today. The poor little guy is cutting FOUR teeth! He had a rough night last night and was up super early, burning up. I had to go to work and when I finally came home, he was asleep. He slept for 3 hours and I layed in bed with him the whole time. When he woke up, he was very quiet. I could tell he was in pain. So I picked him up and didn't put him down. I came to the freezer and got him an "isicle". Brought him to the couch and just sat with him on my lap facing me. He was so content and quiet and trust me, this boy is never quiet. He sucked on the popsicle and just smiled at me each time, offering me a bite. No one else was here and no music or tv was on. His sweet little face was so flushed and his eyes were so heavy, but he was so happy. I cherished every second of that moment. I am the one he loves more than anyone. I am his favorite. I am the love of his life. So is he. He is all those things to me as well. I love him so much it hurts.

I'm mad today.

I promise you all that I will have a positive post this week, once I start my job. I am actually really looking forward to it :)

But today... I am mad. I had a really good past 2 nights with great friends. But for some reason, I woke up angry today. He is starting to confuse me again. I wish he would just keep his feelings to himself. All it does is screw with my head. He tells me one thing... and I know he is telling her something completely different. She can't be very smart though, since she has fallen for his lies and continues to go on with him. I won't though. I know he is only saying these things so that I will hold onto an empty dream that isn't really there. He doesn't want me to move on and that's why he's doing that. Well I have news for him, it won't work. I want love again. I want a family. I want more children. I want my son to have a good, strong man around to help him through life. Whether that is his father, or not.

He needs to stop. At first, I thought I would on board for working things out but now I'm not so sure. He has to STOP what he's doing with "other" people first. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Not in this situation at least. Decide what you want, you jerk, and quit messing with me!

I'm off to church. I need some guidance and comfort today.

Some light.

I promise this post will end on a good note.

I got a bit of disturbing news this morning. I can't and won't share what but I am just tired of being hurt and disappointed by this man I called a husband, just 1 month ago. I am also just disgusted in the choice of "people" he now surrounds himself with. I now believe they are perfect for each other. A family was destoyed over this dumb choice that they BOTH made. How either of them can continue to respect one another is beyond me. And exactly that... beyond. I am done. I am done being nice and playing the good person card. No one has done that for me, so why the hell should I do it for them? Our son should be number 1. No one else. And once he falls to the side and is no longer first priority to you, I rid myself of you in my life. I lose respect and love. I hate that I am still in love with this man. But everyday I fall more and more out of it. There is no way I can love a man who throws away his family for a temporary emotion. He will come around, I just know it. He will regret all of this and it will be too late. I deserve better and I WILL have better. He doesn't. Neither of them do. He could have done this differently and the right way. But no, he wanted to play dirty. I don't play dirty. In fact, I hate being dirty. So I won't. I'm done.

And now for the positive...

I was leaving my mom's work tonight and the tire pressure light in my car came on. I got out, found a giant nail in one of tires, and just lost it. I headed straight out to Wal-Mart since it was already 7 and I knew nowhere else would be open. On the drive, I broke down. So I turned the music off, listened to my son hum a sweet tune, rolled the windows down, and prayed. I prayed loud and hard to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for help, guidance, comfort, and stability. They only took 30 mins to fix my tire. And it barely cost me anything, which I was extremely grateful for since money is very tight. While we waited, I took Rem to Subway for dinner. We sat in the booth next to each other and shared a sandwich. He had his own little half and just looking at him eat and smile and kick his feet around as they dangled, warmed my soul. All this time I kept thinking I wasn't lovable anymore. I was blinded and I admit that I haven't been the best mother the past month. But in that moment, I was reminded of the best blessing I have. He knows no pain, no judgment, no hate. He just loves me. He loves his mommy and sharing a sandwich with me was the best part of his day. I came home, gave him a bath, and laughed so hard when he put bubbles on his nose. Then we were laying in my bed with my mom, talking to my sister in Korea, when my phone rang. I got the job :) It's only 2 days a week and doesn't pay much but man did it make me feel good. They chose ME. They believe in ME. And he doesn't. It was just another reminder of why I NEED to be here.

Him and I are through. But my best days are yet to come. I have the love of my life, a job, a car, a support system that people only dream of, and I have my faith. Faith that the Lord will hold my hand through every moment of this and bless me with love again someday.

Happy Father's Day.

What a tough day for me. I really didn't think it would be. I went to church and the primary kids sang a couple songs about fathers. I cried. A lot. Sitting there holding my baby, alone, without his father next to me. Jeremy and I both grew up without our fathers around and we always said we wouldn't do that to Remington. I know we aren't supposed to be together but I wish we could have made it work. We are a family. I will be potty-trainging him soon and I wanted us to do that together. I wanted to put him in T-Ball. Jeremy will miss all of those things. He may be around for some of it, but Remington is going to grow up without him being there. It kills me. I literally feel a knot in my throat when I think about it. I asked him to send me some recordings of him singing songs. He sings so great and Remington loves hearing it. He sent me one today, outta the blue. I cried. Again. His voice is home to me. I miss him so bad. I'm not sure when I will accept it and move on. I just want my family back.

I have a job interview. Even if I don't get it, it makes me feel confident in a small way. I know I can start doing things on my own. If I didn't have my huge family and huge group of friends here, I would be lost. I still feel lost and completely unsure of how to live my life alone, but at least I have people who can push me in the right direction.

Happy Father's Day everyone. I hope your day was filled with love and happiness that all of you deserve.

Nights are the hardest.

Well I am back in MO. Things got very heated today. Words were said, feelings were hurt, damage was done. So I packed up our stuff and came back. I know a lot of you probably don't understand why I went. And I know a lot of you probably think it was a bad idea. I don't. Not at all. In fact, I think it was just what I needed. When I left there the first time I was confused. I felt uneasy and unsure about where we stood and what to do about my own life. I didn't go back with the intentions of getting back together. In fact, I only had one duffel bag of clothes for Remington and I. I went back looking for answers. And I found them. Each day I was there, I got a little stronger and a little more sure of why this is best. He is an angry person. Anyone who knows him well enough, knows that. He drags me down. I drag him down. It is very hard for me to admit that, but it's the truth. When I was there I felt angry, anxious, cranky, and nervous. I knew not being with him was the right thing to do. But I wanted him to have Remington as much as possible. Seeing him cry while saying goodbye to Remington killed me. I wanted to throw up. Then when we pulled off, Rem cried. He cried and screamed and pulled at the window for almost 10 minutes before finally passing out from exhaustion. I felt terrible. I know I can handle pain and loneliness, but watching my son cry from the same thing, tears me up. I want to take his pain away. Also, knowing Jeremy's pain. I want none of us to have to feel this.

I am laying here in our bed, with Remington asleep at my side. He is so close to me that I can't even move my right arm. Nights are the hardest for me. I am used to having him there. If I had known last night would be the last time we slept in the same bed, I would have held him tighter. Despite all this, I still miss him. I am going to for a very very long time. I miss sleeping with him. He made me feel safe. I wasn't scared of a single thing when he was around. Now I'm alone. Now I'm the protector. I miss him. I miss him making me laugh. I miss laying in the bed with our son, the life we made, in between us. I miss kissing him. My heart will never be the same.

Time, Celine. Time will heal your pain.

Dear Celine, Screw your plans.

Nothing is going according to plan anymore. It's strange. It's like I am just floating through everything lately. I have no control. No control over my emotions, my choices, my life. Pray Celine, just pray. Be patient Celine, just be patient. Have faith Celine, just have faith. All of these words seem empty and confusing to me lately.

When will the pain end? When will the want end? When will I get what I want?

Fresh air does a body good.

I am in Kentucky right now. I wasn't going to say anything, but I have some pictures I will upload to Facebook soon and people would obviously catch on. I came down for a little visit. Jeremy was missing Remington and we had a lot we needed to talk about and work out. It's strange how things are happening. It's like we are still married (well we are) but things are easy to talk about and plan. He is deploying in September, so I want to give him as many opportunities to see our son. I know they will miss each other like crazy. It was nice to see him too. I thought I would hate it, or it would be awkward, but it has never been like that for us. We always seem to pick up right where we left off, everytime we are apart. I am still angry at him though. I still feel massive betrayal from him. It's hard for me to look past what he did and what he is still doing. I didn't deserve this and he knows it. I think that may be why he is so nice to me and why we are getting along so well.

I am currently sitting outside with Remington, while he plays in the sandbox. The weather here has been amazing everyday I've been here. It's like it knew I needed it to be. I am sitting at my patio set that Jeremy bought the weekend he came home from the "trip". He knew when we were buying it that he shouldn't. He told me when we were standing there picking it out that it was killing him. I asked why he didn't just tell me. He had no answer. He knew what he was doing was wrong, he was just afraid to hurt me like that. He was right. He completely shattered my universe... and Remington's. Replaying that whole weekend in my head makes me sad. He came home as if nothing was different. He even kissed me and made love to me. He even brought me back a present. A matching Vera Bradley wallet to go with my new purse I had just got. I still don't understand. I probably never will. I talk about moving on and having more babies one day and he gets upset. How fair is that? Ugh. It's all so confusing. Time is the only thing I have to look forward to as far as healing at this point.

I love you all.

Keeping busy.

I can't believe it's been over a week since I posted.

Time seems to just be creeping by. Before all of this, I used to pray for time to stand still so that we could have more time with him when he was home (which was rare). But now I just want this all to be over. I want answers. Things have been super confusing lately. Things he says, things I think. I just don't know where things stand. But everyday that passes, I feel stronger and more confident. I really believe at this point that divorce is the ultimate answer. It may not happen for awhile, but being apart is best. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. He is a completely different person. The hardest part of that is, that I know he is better than all this. I know he is better than tearing apart his world for a temporary feeling. Because come on... we all know this will NOT last ;) But I will continue to pray for him to make better choices and eventually be able to see the wrong he is doing and make it right. We may not be together anymore, but I want only good things for him. Especially as a father. Remington deserves him. He deserves to have a father in his life and a role model. I just hope and pray that he can realize that someday too.

On to a more positive note:

My trip down south was AMAZING! My aunts and my cousin took such good care of me. I couldn't even ask for a better support system. I am sure most of you saw my pictures on Facebook of New Orleans and the ocean. It was so awesome. I had never been to either place and really hope to plan a trip back there soon. Next time with Remington by my side.

Thank you all for your support. I love you more than you know.

Taking it one day at a time.

Well not much has changed since last time. I am still hurting, very very badly. I am starting to realize that I am much better off without him, but now the problem is getting the picture of the family I had envisioned out of my head. I had so many hopes and dreams for us. I now know that he is no longer going to be in them, and figuring out how to move on is my next step. I have given up trying to make it work. He wants her and a life with her... so he can have it. I will do everything in my power to make sure Remington knows him and that they are close, but there is only so much I can do. The rest is in hands. I am still in awe that after all him and I went through as kids that he just let Remington go like that. I think he has a lot of changes he needs to make and one day he will have a wake-up call, I just know it. I just hope it isn't too late. I continue to pray for strength not only for me but for him as well.

On a positive note... My Aunts have asked me if I want to join them this weekend on a little "ladies" getaway. We are going to drive down to Mississippi and see the ocean. My mom told me I should just go and enjoy myself. So that is what I will do. I need to get away. I need distraction and fun. We are heading out tomorrow and I will post again when I get back.

I thank you all for your continuing love and support. I would be lost without it.