Finally able to breathe.

Well Jeremy made it home. I came back to Kentucky a week before he got here. It was the longest week of my life! But being back here and sleeping in his bed brought me so much comfort that I hadn't had in awhile. The night he came home was so special. Remington instantly went to him. I was worried he would hesitate because he is very attached to me but he didn't. He remembered him and they have been attached at the hip since. And really, so have I with him. He looked so good, smelled so good, and felt so good. It is a feeling that you can only understand if you've been through it. Deployments are rough and to put a seperation on top it, I can honestly say I was at the lowest point in my life. But now, I am at the highest. I have not been this happy since he came home when I first had Remington. This is the best feeling and I am so scared it will just get ripped away from me. But I cannot think that way. I am going to enjoy every moment, every second, every memory the three of us have.

We have been house hunting too. We have some really great possibilites and are hoping to be in one by the new year. December is my favorite month so I am very excited to see what comes. Adding buying our family home to it just makes it so much better.

I want to take a moment and thank all of you for your support. 6 months ago I never could have imagined coming this far. Even if we hadn't have worked our marriage out, I would have been just fine. But I am stronger, happier, and actually looking forward to the future now. None of this would have been possible without your love and support and our Heavenly Father's guidance. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I hope your holidays coming up are amazing and memorable for you all.

I will keep updating on our life as it goes. I love this blog as it gives me a chance to just express myself and hopefully help others find strength in their times of despair.

Time to be thankful.

Well we should be thankful all year round of course, but this time of year is, like a lot of folks, my favorite. It is a chance to reflect on the past few months and realize all the blessings we have and what we would like to forget. Cough Homewreckers cough ;)

Rem and I will be heading back to Kentucky in just a little over a week. Jeremy will be there shortly after. My last few days at my job were great. They were sad to see me go and wished us well. It felt nice to work again and have a life outside being a mother. I plan on working again once we get moved and settled in. It made me feel normal. Not that I don't love staying home with my son, but I like to have other people around and contribute to the work force and help provide for our family. I know Jeremy appreciated it too, even though he is glad I quit so that we can be together again.

These next few days are going to be rough. I have LOVED my life here. When I was forced to move back here I never thought I would get to this point. I felt like my life was over and ruined at the hands of another human being. Never again will I let anyone decide my path for me. I could have stayed here and lived my life with Rem, I know that now. I am so much stronger than I was 5 months ago. And for that, I am thankful. I have learned more about myself and others than I ever thought possible. I have learned that people will hurt you and not care, as long as they are happy. I have learned that my family and friends can heal me. And that I NEED them. I will never ever take them for granted again. And I hope they all realize that. Even if I don't find enough time in my crazy days to tell them. I would love to say that I wish none of this ever happened but I would be lying to myself. I know what I want now and I am not going to settle for anything less.

Jeremy keeps telling me he will never let me go again. That is comforting. It makes me feel special again. I feel like we are fresh again. We can be honest with each other better than we ever have been. And we now see the boundaries that we need to not cross. We both understand each other's need for space and love. I finally feel like we are in a good place. We are still going to take things slow and try not to plan things. We rushed everything we did before this. Even having a child. We are blessed to have him but need to slow down, for him too. He needs a stable home, parents he can trust, and parents that love each other too. I want him to look up to Jeremy and I and want good things for himself too.

Anywho... I will update you all when Jeremy comes home. I always get nervous when it's on this downward slope. I can't wait to see him again and kiss him :) Remington is going to FLIP when he sees him! I will definetly take pictures so my Facebook friends, be looking for them SOON!

Things are finally happening.

I put my two-weeks notice in at work today. It was a very bittersweet moment for me. I really love this job and the kids and everyone I work with, but Jeremy will be home soon and we need to be back there with him.

I am so happy that we are going back. I miss Kentucky and most of all miss him. He recently told me that he feels so stupid for what he did. He is really trying and going out of his way to make me know how serious he is. It means a lot to me. I recently calculated the time he has been with and the time he has been away from Remington. It broke my heart. He has been away from him more. I am glad he realized what his priorities are and is starting to put us first.

I can't wait to be with him again. Right before he left things were so good and I miss him so much. I need to be able to feel him again every night and kiss him whenever I want. I don't want a day to go by that we don't remind each other of how much the other one means to us. He texts me a lot just to tell me how much he loves me or says something sweet or sends a song lyric. I feel like we are newlyweds again. And we all now how amazing that feeling is ;)

So we will head back down there withing the next few weeks. Then spend the holidays with family here and slowly get all of our things back. I am hoping we can get into a house by Christmas. It is going to be fun to house hunt again. I will keep you all updated and hope things are going the best they can for all of you. Love you all!

Four times is four times too many!

Jeremy is deployed... again. This is number 4. And the anxiety and sadness is just as bad. But thankfully this is a short one. He will be home much sooner and we will FINALLY be a family again. I cannot wait. Before he left we agreed that we are both so happy with the place we are at. He is really trying to change the things he needs to, to make us better and so am I. We both acknowledge our efforts and keep each other going. I think this is the strongest we have EVER been.

Last weekend we met halfway for a night and it was so much fun. Our hotel had an indoor pool and Remington loved every moment of it. It was so needed and perfect for all three of us. Jeremy and I held each other so tight as we said goodbye. I knew in that moment that we were good. That we were right where we need to be again. That we were a family. He told me it scares him that he almost lost me. And truth be told, it scares me too. I don't know how I would have moved on and I am so thankful that I didn't have to.

I don't really have much to update. Work is going good. It is a very challenging job, but I must admit to loving it most days. These kids have opened my eyes to a whole new world. I love all of the experience, knowledge and memories I am gaining from all of this. The Lord has a reason for all he does and I try to remember that and stay grateful for this, even though it caused so much pain. I am a new person with a new outlook on life... all because of this. I can't wait to see what OUR future holds.

Colder weather is approaching.

Wow. Been awhile, huh? Boy has this last month FLOWN by! Jeremy and I have been together for almost a month now. He was on leave and it was amazing. It has been the best time of my life recently. Him and Remington had a blast together. R and I just got back from our last weekend with him for awhile. He is about to go overseas and we won't see him for a couple months :( I got so used to having him around again and now I am sad again. But thankfully it's just a short time away. Then we will have the holidays with him and move back there sometime at the beginning of the year.

Jeremy and I have become so close again. It has been so nice. We are taking things slow, but very seriously. I am finally starting to forgive him and trying to move on from what happened. We both want the same things now and we are so positive about all of it. Remington just turned 2 last week (and had an awesome Yo Gabba Gabba party) and I think it was a very eye-opening time for both of us. We are a family and being together and happy is what is most important right now. We even planned our 6-year wedding anniversary trip this year :) It is in December and we want to get away for a few days, just the 2 of us. I can't believe it's already been that long! Where did those days go? I feel like we were just 16, riding around together in this small town. Crazy!

And for those of you wondering... My job is going really well. I am working at an elementary school and it's very rewarding.

Anyway... I hope all of my friends and family are doing good. And I ask for your prayers as him and the rest of his guys deploy. It is always such an anxious time and I hope my mind can be at ease. Working and taking care of Remington is really going to help pass the time. I love you all!

Ok, Ok, I caved :)

I can't believe how many messages I got about deleting this. I decided to bring it back because I feel connected to all of you that read this. And I am going to leave up my last post because it was my true feelings at the time and I do not believe in regret.

Long story short, we are back together. We are going to attempt to work out our marriage and we are determined to make it last. After all of that happened 2 weeks ago and my posting about it... things changed. We talked a lot of things out and I went down there for a weekend to see how things were. He ended up coming back with me since he is on leave right now. It has been nice to be a family again. Remington is so happy when he's around. He is happy anyway, but with his dad, it's a different kind of love. I am sure all of you parents understand. And if you're wondering about my job and what we are going to do.. it's simple. I am going to stay here living with my mother and work. Jeremy and I have a lot of debt and this extra income will help a ton. Then at the end of the school year, Rem and I will move back there with him. We don't want to jump right into things just yet anyway. Taking it slow and learning to appreciate our time together will help mend the wounds between us.

I know a lot of you won't understand this. And that's fine. But I hope that you will put yourself if my shoes. Imagine the love you have for the person you are with. We have a history and a family and people make mistakes. He needs to learn to forgive himself before I can forgive him. Forgetting is a whole other issue though. That is what I am having a hard time with. But everyone keeps telling me just give it time. And that is what I have to do.

I don't want to make this some long, drawn out post. I love you all so much and hope that you can continue to support me.

This is it.

One thing that has amazed me through all of this is how FAST things can change. With that being said...

We are done. Yes, for real this time. Just when I let him back in and just when he had told me he loved me again. It's over. I may have been a bitch at times, or nagged him when he didn't deserve it but one thing I can proudly say is that I did not deserve this. Anyone that knows me can tell you what a committed, amazing person I am. I will not however, be used. Or lied to. Or taken advantage of. This has been a very rough road for me to FINALLY see what needs to be done. I hate letting go of him. I hate the thought of being alone, at all. But being with him is the wrong choice. I am glad that I can admit it now. It hurts like hell and will for a long time, but oh well. It had to be done.

And for you, you homewrecker. Yes, I said it because you aren't worth your actual name being said... It was only a drunken text. That's all you're worth. I hope next time you decide to try to find a man that he ISN'T married and that you don't ruin ANOTHER family. Now move the hell on with your life and stay outta mine. Even though him and I are done, if I find out you are in the picture ever again, you both better pray I am in a good mood that day. You were lucky I was in a good mood until NOW. Screw off and quit reading my blog, creeper.

Relaxing is a good thing.

Just wanted to drop a quick update. Sorry I have been so slow in my blogging world. Taking care of Remington alone is a busy busy job. Plus, I have great friends and family that have been keeping me distracted and having fun :)

Anyway.. I am in Kentucky. I came down for a little break away. Rem is with my mom and my aunt had him today. He is having a blast, so it helps me enjoy my time a little better. It is nice to have some time off from being a mom all the time. Jeremy and I are getting along good. We really needed some time to talk and enjoy each other again. He told me the other day that he wants to get back to how we were a long time ago and that it will be a fun process to get there. So far he is right. I am still having a very hard time trusting him again. It will take me a long time to move on from what he did and believe he won't again. Especially since certain parties won't leave us alone. I wish some people could take a hint.. but we all know how people like that are. I am not going to let her or anyone else ruin us. Not again. We have a good thing going right now and I don't want ANYONE to get in the way. Him and I have history. We are a family. Getting us back to a good place is very important to us both. Being here has helped. I worried a little about him moving out of our house but now that I am here and see where he is living and who he is living with, I feel much better. They are good people. I know he will be fine and safe here. And maybe when he comes home, Remington and I can join him again. Things will never be the same between us, but I think that part of our life is over. I am ready to see the "new" life we will have together. And if for some reason, it takes us another direction, at least we tried. And our relationship will be even stronger, no matter which way this ends.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I can't wait to go out on a date and enjoy each other's company again. I have only been here a day, but I am already having fun. We laughed and had a blast last night, so I know the rest of the weekend will go great. We are going to see a movie too. It was always our thing before we had Remington. It will be fun to go with him again and relive some old times and hopefully rekindle old flames ;)

Expectations.

I used to have dreams. Dreams about our family. I pictured living in a small house, sitting on the porch watching my husband play with our kids. That man was Jeremy. As each day goes by, I am unsure of what to do. I know he is willing to work on himself and make this right again, but now I am not so sure what I want. I have been thinking so much about what he did lately. I keep thinking about my husband with someone else. It is a feeling that no one can explain or understand unless they have been there. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I was just thinking about all of the things they did together and all of the things he has said to me and was beginning to think I could never work past it. Then I saw a really good friend today. I won't mention her name, she knows who she is. She had no idea that I was feeling this but she was talking to me about everything and just brought it up. She told me if I never let go of it and move forward or feel like I have to pay him back for what he did, that we will NEVER work. She said that I couldn't control what happened, but I can control our future together. To you.. you have no clue how much I needed to hear that. I fear that I will always have it in the back of my head but she is right. If he chooses us and chooses to move forward, then I need to leave it at that. Humans make mistakes. I get it. This whole process isn't just going to strengthen our marriage/relationship... it is going to make me stronger too. I need to move forward if I am ever going to love him or someone else again.

And to someone else... I know you are reading this. Yes, I know you are and you know who you are. I hope you can find comfort and love too someday. I truly do.

I've hit a wall.

I feel like things have just stalled. For the past 6 years, I have always had something to look forward to. Some big event coming up. But right now I am stuck. Work was going really well but I had to quit. My mom's husband took a job and I won't have a sitter for Rem at 5 am. It was a rough shift for a single mom of a 2 year old. My boss was super understanding though. I feel like it's best right now. I am going to enjoy some time off and maybe look for something soon.

As far as how I'm feeling... I feel trapped. I am beginning to get used to living in this small town again and getting used to how things are now. It's scaring me. It is making me nervous. My mood changes drastically day-to-day and I feel overwhelmed. The strange part of it is that I have no reason to. Jeremy and my mom are happy to take care of Rem and I and make me feel safe and that I don't have to worry. But I do. Things with Jeremy and I are going well though. We have really been trying to work on treating each other better and trying to make each other smile. The random texts and talks are very reassuring. He told me the other day that someday soon we will find the love again that we used to have for each other. I am going out there next weeked. Just me. For just a couple days. We really need some time alone. It will be great to have him next to me again. Each time we see each other and each day that goes by, we are getting a tiny bit closer and a tiny bit better. I really feel like we have a good chance of working this out. I am going to stay here still though. He is deploying soon anyway, so we are going to take the time apart as an opportunity to save money. I think the distance makes us stronger too. We look forward to the next time we will see each other and appreciate it. Missing someone can make you love them a lot more. (just a little something I have learned) My biggest worry is just getting through these next few months. I still have a hard time trusting him. He has promised to stay faithful and committed. I believe him, but him actually doing it will be what makes me trust him. People screw up. I get it. But if they are willing to admit when they're wrong and move forward, I believe in second chances.

Remington is doing well too. He asks for daddy a lot but for the most part, he is perfectly fine. He is OBSESSED with my mother and her husband. He loves them so much. He is also getting closer to the family too and my best friend. Everyone adores him. I told Jeremy just last night that my friend Olivia loves him a lot. His response was "how could anyone not". It made me smile :) He is so right. Remington's smile and spirit are filled with love. He is crazy right now. So hyper and emotional, but watching him and seeing him change is amazing. He will be 2 next month and my little boy is growing up. A lot of people feel sadness about their children getting older but I don't. I'm sure I will one day but right now I am really looking forward to it. He gets more fun everyday. I love him.

And I love all of you too. Your prayers and continued support are very appreciated.

And then there were 2... again.

Well Jeremy just left. He came in for the weekend since he was off work. I know a lot of people have questions/concerns/curiosity, so I will do my best to explain what I can.

We are still a family. We still want to be. It's strange when we are around each other. It's like nothing is different. He is no longer with this other person, nor does he want to be. I think he realized that it was a bad choice and not what was right. That being said... him and I are going to take this time apart to make some changes. We are going to try things again in a few months. He is leaving in September anyway for a short deployment so we want to see how things are when he comes home. The time apart will either make us or break us. As of right now, we are both hoping for the best. We are hoping that someday soon... we can be together again and raise our son as a whole. He deserves that. I deserve that. Jeremy deserves that. I know a lot of you probably don't understand. But I hope that you can put yourselves in my shoes before you judge my decision. I realize what he did was horrible and wrong. But it isn't unforgivable. One quality I have that I am proud of is understanding. I understand temptation, I understand mistakes, and I understand us. He was my world. I wouldn't have made all of the sacrifices I made if I didn't want to be with him. And don't get me wrong... I am not letting him just get away with this. There are many stones we will have to cross in our road along the way. And neither of us know what the outcome will be. Whether it ends with us together again, or apart. But I am very happy in the place we are right now. I think we have set ourselves up for achievement. Either way this ends, we both still love each other very much and will raise our son the best way we can. Together. We don't have to be lovers to do that. So for now, we will just take this time apart to learn to appreciate each other. We are already doing that actually. He realizes now what he lost. And he knows it will take time to get it back. Time and committment. I am willing to forgive and move on, but he needs to forgive himself too. That is just as important as my forgiveness. He has a lot of guilt right now. A lot. But thankfully he has rid himself of the reason and he can move forward now. He needs to do this for himself. Not for her, not for me. Just him. There is this song called "whatever it takes" by Lifehouse. It really reminds me of him. There is a line in it that says, "you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me". It shows so much truth in our situation. I can't save him anymore. He needs to do what he can for himself before he can ever love Remington and I fully.

So in Missouri I will stay. At least for now. He is coming back for Remington's birthday in August, then leaving in September. We will remain husband and wife and be there to support each other and make decisions about our son as a team. And maybe when he comes home and things settle down, we will possibly see how things are again. If not, that's fine too. We still love each other and have the best connection, our son.

I hope you all had a fabulous holiday weekend. We spent it 100 % of the time together. It was great. Remington was so happy the whole time and LOVED his daddy being here. Now we are off to a BBQ with family as Jeremy travels back to Kentucky. I love you all and thank you for your continued support.

Work. It does a body good.

Well I started work today. It was only paperwork and orientation, but it was really great to be there. My boss is super nice and flexible. I hope I can get along with everyone and that they will like me and trust me. Tomorrow is my first official day on the "job". I am training for 3 days, then I will be on my own. My hours are 3:30-8:30 am. I know that sounds rough but actually I am really looking forward to it. I will have all day and evenings off with Remington and will only ever need a sitter for about 2 hours. Plus, I haven't worked in 2 years, so this will be an easy transition until I am ready for full-time.

Jeremy is coming to visit this weekend. He is really excited to see Remington. I am glad that we were able to talk like adults and work it out that he come. I know he wanted to badly but felt pressured not too. Seeing Remington is what is most important. NOTHING else. NO ONE else. We are going to do things as a family too. I have the weekend off and we plan on spending it together. I know people probably won't understand but we are still a family. I want Remington to know that he has us both at all times. I think it will be fun. We are finally in a good place with each other. We still love each other and want to be a family. Despite what he did, we were in a bad place and really needed some time apart. We are both happy and enjoying being apart. I have been able to do a lot and not feel guilty about it. I have seen friends and family I haven't been able to see in awhile. It has been just fantastic. And I really feel like we are both where we need to be, right now. Neither of us know what the future holds. All we know is that Remington is OURS. He connects us and we will ALWAYS be a family. No one will ever come between that.

And lastly, I want to share another special moment I had with Remington today. The poor little guy is cutting FOUR teeth! He had a rough night last night and was up super early, burning up. I had to go to work and when I finally came home, he was asleep. He slept for 3 hours and I layed in bed with him the whole time. When he woke up, he was very quiet. I could tell he was in pain. So I picked him up and didn't put him down. I came to the freezer and got him an "isicle". Brought him to the couch and just sat with him on my lap facing me. He was so content and quiet and trust me, this boy is never quiet. He sucked on the popsicle and just smiled at me each time, offering me a bite. No one else was here and no music or tv was on. His sweet little face was so flushed and his eyes were so heavy, but he was so happy. I cherished every second of that moment. I am the one he loves more than anyone. I am his favorite. I am the love of his life. So is he. He is all those things to me as well. I love him so much it hurts.

I'm mad today.

I promise you all that I will have a positive post this week, once I start my job. I am actually really looking forward to it :)

But today... I am mad. I had a really good past 2 nights with great friends. But for some reason, I woke up angry today. He is starting to confuse me again. I wish he would just keep his feelings to himself. All it does is screw with my head. He tells me one thing... and I know he is telling her something completely different. She can't be very smart though, since she has fallen for his lies and continues to go on with him. I won't though. I know he is only saying these things so that I will hold onto an empty dream that isn't really there. He doesn't want me to move on and that's why he's doing that. Well I have news for him, it won't work. I want love again. I want a family. I want more children. I want my son to have a good, strong man around to help him through life. Whether that is his father, or not.

He needs to stop. At first, I thought I would on board for working things out but now I'm not so sure. He has to STOP what he's doing with "other" people first. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Not in this situation at least. Decide what you want, you jerk, and quit messing with me!

I'm off to church. I need some guidance and comfort today.

Some light.

I promise this post will end on a good note.

I got a bit of disturbing news this morning. I can't and won't share what but I am just tired of being hurt and disappointed by this man I called a husband, just 1 month ago. I am also just disgusted in the choice of "people" he now surrounds himself with. I now believe they are perfect for each other. A family was destoyed over this dumb choice that they BOTH made. How either of them can continue to respect one another is beyond me. And exactly that... beyond. I am done. I am done being nice and playing the good person card. No one has done that for me, so why the hell should I do it for them? Our son should be number 1. No one else. And once he falls to the side and is no longer first priority to you, I rid myself of you in my life. I lose respect and love. I hate that I am still in love with this man. But everyday I fall more and more out of it. There is no way I can love a man who throws away his family for a temporary emotion. He will come around, I just know it. He will regret all of this and it will be too late. I deserve better and I WILL have better. He doesn't. Neither of them do. He could have done this differently and the right way. But no, he wanted to play dirty. I don't play dirty. In fact, I hate being dirty. So I won't. I'm done.

And now for the positive...

I was leaving my mom's work tonight and the tire pressure light in my car came on. I got out, found a giant nail in one of tires, and just lost it. I headed straight out to Wal-Mart since it was already 7 and I knew nowhere else would be open. On the drive, I broke down. So I turned the music off, listened to my son hum a sweet tune, rolled the windows down, and prayed. I prayed loud and hard to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for help, guidance, comfort, and stability. They only took 30 mins to fix my tire. And it barely cost me anything, which I was extremely grateful for since money is very tight. While we waited, I took Rem to Subway for dinner. We sat in the booth next to each other and shared a sandwich. He had his own little half and just looking at him eat and smile and kick his feet around as they dangled, warmed my soul. All this time I kept thinking I wasn't lovable anymore. I was blinded and I admit that I haven't been the best mother the past month. But in that moment, I was reminded of the best blessing I have. He knows no pain, no judgment, no hate. He just loves me. He loves his mommy and sharing a sandwich with me was the best part of his day. I came home, gave him a bath, and laughed so hard when he put bubbles on his nose. Then we were laying in my bed with my mom, talking to my sister in Korea, when my phone rang. I got the job :) It's only 2 days a week and doesn't pay much but man did it make me feel good. They chose ME. They believe in ME. And he doesn't. It was just another reminder of why I NEED to be here.

Him and I are through. But my best days are yet to come. I have the love of my life, a job, a car, a support system that people only dream of, and I have my faith. Faith that the Lord will hold my hand through every moment of this and bless me with love again someday.

Happy Father's Day.

What a tough day for me. I really didn't think it would be. I went to church and the primary kids sang a couple songs about fathers. I cried. A lot. Sitting there holding my baby, alone, without his father next to me. Jeremy and I both grew up without our fathers around and we always said we wouldn't do that to Remington. I know we aren't supposed to be together but I wish we could have made it work. We are a family. I will be potty-trainging him soon and I wanted us to do that together. I wanted to put him in T-Ball. Jeremy will miss all of those things. He may be around for some of it, but Remington is going to grow up without him being there. It kills me. I literally feel a knot in my throat when I think about it. I asked him to send me some recordings of him singing songs. He sings so great and Remington loves hearing it. He sent me one today, outta the blue. I cried. Again. His voice is home to me. I miss him so bad. I'm not sure when I will accept it and move on. I just want my family back.

I have a job interview. Even if I don't get it, it makes me feel confident in a small way. I know I can start doing things on my own. If I didn't have my huge family and huge group of friends here, I would be lost. I still feel lost and completely unsure of how to live my life alone, but at least I have people who can push me in the right direction.

Happy Father's Day everyone. I hope your day was filled with love and happiness that all of you deserve.

Nights are the hardest.

Well I am back in MO. Things got very heated today. Words were said, feelings were hurt, damage was done. So I packed up our stuff and came back. I know a lot of you probably don't understand why I went. And I know a lot of you probably think it was a bad idea. I don't. Not at all. In fact, I think it was just what I needed. When I left there the first time I was confused. I felt uneasy and unsure about where we stood and what to do about my own life. I didn't go back with the intentions of getting back together. In fact, I only had one duffel bag of clothes for Remington and I. I went back looking for answers. And I found them. Each day I was there, I got a little stronger and a little more sure of why this is best. He is an angry person. Anyone who knows him well enough, knows that. He drags me down. I drag him down. It is very hard for me to admit that, but it's the truth. When I was there I felt angry, anxious, cranky, and nervous. I knew not being with him was the right thing to do. But I wanted him to have Remington as much as possible. Seeing him cry while saying goodbye to Remington killed me. I wanted to throw up. Then when we pulled off, Rem cried. He cried and screamed and pulled at the window for almost 10 minutes before finally passing out from exhaustion. I felt terrible. I know I can handle pain and loneliness, but watching my son cry from the same thing, tears me up. I want to take his pain away. Also, knowing Jeremy's pain. I want none of us to have to feel this.

I am laying here in our bed, with Remington asleep at my side. He is so close to me that I can't even move my right arm. Nights are the hardest for me. I am used to having him there. If I had known last night would be the last time we slept in the same bed, I would have held him tighter. Despite all this, I still miss him. I am going to for a very very long time. I miss sleeping with him. He made me feel safe. I wasn't scared of a single thing when he was around. Now I'm alone. Now I'm the protector. I miss him. I miss him making me laugh. I miss laying in the bed with our son, the life we made, in between us. I miss kissing him. My heart will never be the same.

Time, Celine. Time will heal your pain.

Dear Celine, Screw your plans.

Nothing is going according to plan anymore. It's strange. It's like I am just floating through everything lately. I have no control. No control over my emotions, my choices, my life. Pray Celine, just pray. Be patient Celine, just be patient. Have faith Celine, just have faith. All of these words seem empty and confusing to me lately.

When will the pain end? When will the want end? When will I get what I want?

Fresh air does a body good.

I am in Kentucky right now. I wasn't going to say anything, but I have some pictures I will upload to Facebook soon and people would obviously catch on. I came down for a little visit. Jeremy was missing Remington and we had a lot we needed to talk about and work out. It's strange how things are happening. It's like we are still married (well we are) but things are easy to talk about and plan. He is deploying in September, so I want to give him as many opportunities to see our son. I know they will miss each other like crazy. It was nice to see him too. I thought I would hate it, or it would be awkward, but it has never been like that for us. We always seem to pick up right where we left off, everytime we are apart. I am still angry at him though. I still feel massive betrayal from him. It's hard for me to look past what he did and what he is still doing. I didn't deserve this and he knows it. I think that may be why he is so nice to me and why we are getting along so well.

I am currently sitting outside with Remington, while he plays in the sandbox. The weather here has been amazing everyday I've been here. It's like it knew I needed it to be. I am sitting at my patio set that Jeremy bought the weekend he came home from the "trip". He knew when we were buying it that he shouldn't. He told me when we were standing there picking it out that it was killing him. I asked why he didn't just tell me. He had no answer. He knew what he was doing was wrong, he was just afraid to hurt me like that. He was right. He completely shattered my universe... and Remington's. Replaying that whole weekend in my head makes me sad. He came home as if nothing was different. He even kissed me and made love to me. He even brought me back a present. A matching Vera Bradley wallet to go with my new purse I had just got. I still don't understand. I probably never will. I talk about moving on and having more babies one day and he gets upset. How fair is that? Ugh. It's all so confusing. Time is the only thing I have to look forward to as far as healing at this point.

I love you all.

Keeping busy.

I can't believe it's been over a week since I posted.

Time seems to just be creeping by. Before all of this, I used to pray for time to stand still so that we could have more time with him when he was home (which was rare). But now I just want this all to be over. I want answers. Things have been super confusing lately. Things he says, things I think. I just don't know where things stand. But everyday that passes, I feel stronger and more confident. I really believe at this point that divorce is the ultimate answer. It may not happen for awhile, but being apart is best. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. He is a completely different person. The hardest part of that is, that I know he is better than all this. I know he is better than tearing apart his world for a temporary feeling. Because come on... we all know this will NOT last ;) But I will continue to pray for him to make better choices and eventually be able to see the wrong he is doing and make it right. We may not be together anymore, but I want only good things for him. Especially as a father. Remington deserves him. He deserves to have a father in his life and a role model. I just hope and pray that he can realize that someday too.

On to a more positive note:

My trip down south was AMAZING! My aunts and my cousin took such good care of me. I couldn't even ask for a better support system. I am sure most of you saw my pictures on Facebook of New Orleans and the ocean. It was so awesome. I had never been to either place and really hope to plan a trip back there soon. Next time with Remington by my side.

Thank you all for your support. I love you more than you know.

Taking it one day at a time.

Well not much has changed since last time. I am still hurting, very very badly. I am starting to realize that I am much better off without him, but now the problem is getting the picture of the family I had envisioned out of my head. I had so many hopes and dreams for us. I now know that he is no longer going to be in them, and figuring out how to move on is my next step. I have given up trying to make it work. He wants her and a life with her... so he can have it. I will do everything in my power to make sure Remington knows him and that they are close, but there is only so much I can do. The rest is in hands. I am still in awe that after all him and I went through as kids that he just let Remington go like that. I think he has a lot of changes he needs to make and one day he will have a wake-up call, I just know it. I just hope it isn't too late. I continue to pray for strength not only for me but for him as well.

On a positive note... My Aunts have asked me if I want to join them this weekend on a little "ladies" getaway. We are going to drive down to Mississippi and see the ocean. My mom told me I should just go and enjoy myself. So that is what I will do. I need to get away. I need distraction and fun. We are heading out tomorrow and I will post again when I get back.

I thank you all for your continuing love and support. I would be lost without it.

Happy Memorial Day.

I wish I could say today was a good day. But just like the whole past week, it was a blur. We did spend a ton of time outside. I went for a run this morning. It was incredible. My goal is to lose 20 lbs. by the Fourth of July, when we go back to Kentucky for a visit. Remington played so hard in the water.

I am still numb. I just don't get it. I really had no clue how hard it would be. I feel panic all over, all the time. I want it to end. My Grandfather came over tonight and gave me a blessing. I felt comfort just in his hug. There was a point when I thought he may end the blessing but he kept going. It was odd, but once he kept talking, I knew it was needed. I really want to have faith again. Faith and trust. Right now I feel very insecure and alone. I feel like I could have been better and maybe he would have wanted me and not this. I feel like I was a disappointment. I know everyone will say I'm not and I know a lot of people just don't get it, but at this point it is how I feel. I am so scared of being alone forever, yet I have no desire to find love again right now. Ugh... this is all so confusing and scary.

Someone pinch me.

I am starting to think I will never have a happy post.

I got to my mom's today. I love my mom, but I don't want to be here. I thought my home was there and now I feel like I have no home. Remington is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I am still mourning. I am hoping the anger stage starts soon so I can stop wanting him. I can't just fall out of love with him overnight. I am in so much pain and whenever I hurt, he is the person I turn to. He is my rock and now I have lost that. I have tons of support. TONS. I didn't know how many friends I had until this. I know people want to see me and spend time with me, but I am just not ready right now. I feel so guilty that my Facebook messages are overflowing, texts are going unanswered, and I am just disappearing.

My knees hurt from praying, my eyes burn from crying, my stomach aches from stress, and my body is wearing down from exhaustion. I am now putting my life in the Lord's hands. He will guide me and protect me in the right ways. I know it.

Not ready to say goodbye.

I am leaving tomorrow.

I sent Remington back with my mother Thursday. I have missed him dearly, but this time alone has been much easier on me. Jeremy and I have been getting along. I want to do this clean. As much as he doesn't deserve it, I want to do things the right way.

I am leaving tomorrow morning. I am dreading the moment I have to say goodbye to him. I know he is too. I don't think he realizes the immence pain he is going to feel when he walks back in that door and we are gone. Forever. Unlike him, my heart doesn't get to move on right away. He gets to be happy and live the life he wants, while I am being forced to pick up the pieces of my broken one. I am doing ok today and yesterday was a very good day but I know once I get there, I will have to relive the pain all over again. I will be completely on my own. No more family days, no more daddy tickling baby while we all cuddle in bed, no more us.

This is still all so surreal to me. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to move on. I will be praying and hope you all will too, for my strength and Jeremy's tomorrow.

The beginning of the end.

I need to start this. I need an outlet for everything I am feeling. Even if no one ever reads this. I need it.

I married my husband 5.5 years ago. We were best friends. We went to prom together. We began our life, had a blast, and grew up together. I was committed to him and even stayed behind and waited for him through 3 deployments. In 2009, we decided to expand our family. Remington was born in August and my life was forever changed. Life was great. We were happy, we were a family. Then Monday, my world came crashing down.

How can he do this? How can he give up a LIFE. I have no choice but to move home. I don't want to. I love my house. I love my couch. I love my DVR. I love going on drives every weekend with my two boys. I am being punished and I didn't do one thing wrong. I was a good wife.

Where to go from here: I am leaving Sunday. I am moving back to my mother's. I am taking our son, the love we made together. Remington is my world and everything now. I want to move on. I want to do something for myself to remind me that I didn't deserve this. Remington and I are going to have a blast the rest of our lives together. I always pictured him next to us, but now I can't. It's ok. I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. I do deserve more. Someone is going to be very very lucky one day when we come into their lives.

Let's do this Remington. Just you and me buddy.