Happy Memorial Day.

I wish I could say today was a good day. But just like the whole past week, it was a blur. We did spend a ton of time outside. I went for a run this morning. It was incredible. My goal is to lose 20 lbs. by the Fourth of July, when we go back to Kentucky for a visit. Remington played so hard in the water.

I am still numb. I just don't get it. I really had no clue how hard it would be. I feel panic all over, all the time. I want it to end. My Grandfather came over tonight and gave me a blessing. I felt comfort just in his hug. There was a point when I thought he may end the blessing but he kept going. It was odd, but once he kept talking, I knew it was needed. I really want to have faith again. Faith and trust. Right now I feel very insecure and alone. I feel like I could have been better and maybe he would have wanted me and not this. I feel like I was a disappointment. I know everyone will say I'm not and I know a lot of people just don't get it, but at this point it is how I feel. I am so scared of being alone forever, yet I have no desire to find love again right now. Ugh... this is all so confusing and scary.

Someone pinch me.

I am starting to think I will never have a happy post.

I got to my mom's today. I love my mom, but I don't want to be here. I thought my home was there and now I feel like I have no home. Remington is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I am still mourning. I am hoping the anger stage starts soon so I can stop wanting him. I can't just fall out of love with him overnight. I am in so much pain and whenever I hurt, he is the person I turn to. He is my rock and now I have lost that. I have tons of support. TONS. I didn't know how many friends I had until this. I know people want to see me and spend time with me, but I am just not ready right now. I feel so guilty that my Facebook messages are overflowing, texts are going unanswered, and I am just disappearing.

My knees hurt from praying, my eyes burn from crying, my stomach aches from stress, and my body is wearing down from exhaustion. I am now putting my life in the Lord's hands. He will guide me and protect me in the right ways. I know it.

Not ready to say goodbye.

I am leaving tomorrow.

I sent Remington back with my mother Thursday. I have missed him dearly, but this time alone has been much easier on me. Jeremy and I have been getting along. I want to do this clean. As much as he doesn't deserve it, I want to do things the right way.

I am leaving tomorrow morning. I am dreading the moment I have to say goodbye to him. I know he is too. I don't think he realizes the immence pain he is going to feel when he walks back in that door and we are gone. Forever. Unlike him, my heart doesn't get to move on right away. He gets to be happy and live the life he wants, while I am being forced to pick up the pieces of my broken one. I am doing ok today and yesterday was a very good day but I know once I get there, I will have to relive the pain all over again. I will be completely on my own. No more family days, no more daddy tickling baby while we all cuddle in bed, no more us.

This is still all so surreal to me. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to move on. I will be praying and hope you all will too, for my strength and Jeremy's tomorrow.

The beginning of the end.

I need to start this. I need an outlet for everything I am feeling. Even if no one ever reads this. I need it.

I married my husband 5.5 years ago. We were best friends. We went to prom together. We began our life, had a blast, and grew up together. I was committed to him and even stayed behind and waited for him through 3 deployments. In 2009, we decided to expand our family. Remington was born in August and my life was forever changed. Life was great. We were happy, we were a family. Then Monday, my world came crashing down.

How can he do this? How can he give up a LIFE. I have no choice but to move home. I don't want to. I love my house. I love my couch. I love my DVR. I love going on drives every weekend with my two boys. I am being punished and I didn't do one thing wrong. I was a good wife.

Where to go from here: I am leaving Sunday. I am moving back to my mother's. I am taking our son, the love we made together. Remington is my world and everything now. I want to move on. I want to do something for myself to remind me that I didn't deserve this. Remington and I are going to have a blast the rest of our lives together. I always pictured him next to us, but now I can't. It's ok. I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. I do deserve more. Someone is going to be very very lucky one day when we come into their lives.

Let's do this Remington. Just you and me buddy.