Nights are the hardest.

Well I am back in MO. Things got very heated today. Words were said, feelings were hurt, damage was done. So I packed up our stuff and came back. I know a lot of you probably don't understand why I went. And I know a lot of you probably think it was a bad idea. I don't. Not at all. In fact, I think it was just what I needed. When I left there the first time I was confused. I felt uneasy and unsure about where we stood and what to do about my own life. I didn't go back with the intentions of getting back together. In fact, I only had one duffel bag of clothes for Remington and I. I went back looking for answers. And I found them. Each day I was there, I got a little stronger and a little more sure of why this is best. He is an angry person. Anyone who knows him well enough, knows that. He drags me down. I drag him down. It is very hard for me to admit that, but it's the truth. When I was there I felt angry, anxious, cranky, and nervous. I knew not being with him was the right thing to do. But I wanted him to have Remington as much as possible. Seeing him cry while saying goodbye to Remington killed me. I wanted to throw up. Then when we pulled off, Rem cried. He cried and screamed and pulled at the window for almost 10 minutes before finally passing out from exhaustion. I felt terrible. I know I can handle pain and loneliness, but watching my son cry from the same thing, tears me up. I want to take his pain away. Also, knowing Jeremy's pain. I want none of us to have to feel this.

I am laying here in our bed, with Remington asleep at my side. He is so close to me that I can't even move my right arm. Nights are the hardest for me. I am used to having him there. If I had known last night would be the last time we slept in the same bed, I would have held him tighter. Despite all this, I still miss him. I am going to for a very very long time. I miss sleeping with him. He made me feel safe. I wasn't scared of a single thing when he was around. Now I'm alone. Now I'm the protector. I miss him. I miss him making me laugh. I miss laying in the bed with our son, the life we made, in between us. I miss kissing him. My heart will never be the same.

Time, Celine. Time will heal your pain.