What a tough day for me. I really didn't think it would be. I went to church and the primary kids sang a couple songs about fathers. I cried. A lot. Sitting there holding my baby, alone, without his father next to me. Jeremy and I both grew up without our fathers around and we always said we wouldn't do that to Remington. I know we aren't supposed to be together but I wish we could have made it work. We are a family. I will be potty-trainging him soon and I wanted us to do that together. I wanted to put him in T-Ball. Jeremy will miss all of those things. He may be around for some of it, but Remington is going to grow up without him being there. It kills me. I literally feel a knot in my throat when I think about it. I asked him to send me some recordings of him singing songs. He sings so great and Remington loves hearing it. He sent me one today, outta the blue. I cried. Again. His voice is home to me. I miss him so bad. I'm not sure when I will accept it and move on. I just want my family back.
I have a job interview. Even if I don't get it, it makes me feel confident in a small way. I know I can start doing things on my own. If I didn't have my huge family and huge group of friends here, I would be lost. I still feel lost and completely unsure of how to live my life alone, but at least I have people who can push me in the right direction.
Happy Father's Day everyone. I hope your day was filled with love and happiness that all of you deserve.
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