Relaxing is a good thing.

Just wanted to drop a quick update. Sorry I have been so slow in my blogging world. Taking care of Remington alone is a busy busy job. Plus, I have great friends and family that have been keeping me distracted and having fun :)

Anyway.. I am in Kentucky. I came down for a little break away. Rem is with my mom and my aunt had him today. He is having a blast, so it helps me enjoy my time a little better. It is nice to have some time off from being a mom all the time. Jeremy and I are getting along good. We really needed some time to talk and enjoy each other again. He told me the other day that he wants to get back to how we were a long time ago and that it will be a fun process to get there. So far he is right. I am still having a very hard time trusting him again. It will take me a long time to move on from what he did and believe he won't again. Especially since certain parties won't leave us alone. I wish some people could take a hint.. but we all know how people like that are. I am not going to let her or anyone else ruin us. Not again. We have a good thing going right now and I don't want ANYONE to get in the way. Him and I have history. We are a family. Getting us back to a good place is very important to us both. Being here has helped. I worried a little about him moving out of our house but now that I am here and see where he is living and who he is living with, I feel much better. They are good people. I know he will be fine and safe here. And maybe when he comes home, Remington and I can join him again. Things will never be the same between us, but I think that part of our life is over. I am ready to see the "new" life we will have together. And if for some reason, it takes us another direction, at least we tried. And our relationship will be even stronger, no matter which way this ends.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I can't wait to go out on a date and enjoy each other's company again. I have only been here a day, but I am already having fun. We laughed and had a blast last night, so I know the rest of the weekend will go great. We are going to see a movie too. It was always our thing before we had Remington. It will be fun to go with him again and relive some old times and hopefully rekindle old flames ;)

Expectations.

I used to have dreams. Dreams about our family. I pictured living in a small house, sitting on the porch watching my husband play with our kids. That man was Jeremy. As each day goes by, I am unsure of what to do. I know he is willing to work on himself and make this right again, but now I am not so sure what I want. I have been thinking so much about what he did lately. I keep thinking about my husband with someone else. It is a feeling that no one can explain or understand unless they have been there. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I was just thinking about all of the things they did together and all of the things he has said to me and was beginning to think I could never work past it. Then I saw a really good friend today. I won't mention her name, she knows who she is. She had no idea that I was feeling this but she was talking to me about everything and just brought it up. She told me if I never let go of it and move forward or feel like I have to pay him back for what he did, that we will NEVER work. She said that I couldn't control what happened, but I can control our future together. To you.. you have no clue how much I needed to hear that. I fear that I will always have it in the back of my head but she is right. If he chooses us and chooses to move forward, then I need to leave it at that. Humans make mistakes. I get it. This whole process isn't just going to strengthen our marriage/relationship... it is going to make me stronger too. I need to move forward if I am ever going to love him or someone else again.

And to someone else... I know you are reading this. Yes, I know you are and you know who you are. I hope you can find comfort and love too someday. I truly do.

I've hit a wall.

I feel like things have just stalled. For the past 6 years, I have always had something to look forward to. Some big event coming up. But right now I am stuck. Work was going really well but I had to quit. My mom's husband took a job and I won't have a sitter for Rem at 5 am. It was a rough shift for a single mom of a 2 year old. My boss was super understanding though. I feel like it's best right now. I am going to enjoy some time off and maybe look for something soon.

As far as how I'm feeling... I feel trapped. I am beginning to get used to living in this small town again and getting used to how things are now. It's scaring me. It is making me nervous. My mood changes drastically day-to-day and I feel overwhelmed. The strange part of it is that I have no reason to. Jeremy and my mom are happy to take care of Rem and I and make me feel safe and that I don't have to worry. But I do. Things with Jeremy and I are going well though. We have really been trying to work on treating each other better and trying to make each other smile. The random texts and talks are very reassuring. He told me the other day that someday soon we will find the love again that we used to have for each other. I am going out there next weeked. Just me. For just a couple days. We really need some time alone. It will be great to have him next to me again. Each time we see each other and each day that goes by, we are getting a tiny bit closer and a tiny bit better. I really feel like we have a good chance of working this out. I am going to stay here still though. He is deploying soon anyway, so we are going to take the time apart as an opportunity to save money. I think the distance makes us stronger too. We look forward to the next time we will see each other and appreciate it. Missing someone can make you love them a lot more. (just a little something I have learned) My biggest worry is just getting through these next few months. I still have a hard time trusting him. He has promised to stay faithful and committed. I believe him, but him actually doing it will be what makes me trust him. People screw up. I get it. But if they are willing to admit when they're wrong and move forward, I believe in second chances.

Remington is doing well too. He asks for daddy a lot but for the most part, he is perfectly fine. He is OBSESSED with my mother and her husband. He loves them so much. He is also getting closer to the family too and my best friend. Everyone adores him. I told Jeremy just last night that my friend Olivia loves him a lot. His response was "how could anyone not". It made me smile :) He is so right. Remington's smile and spirit are filled with love. He is crazy right now. So hyper and emotional, but watching him and seeing him change is amazing. He will be 2 next month and my little boy is growing up. A lot of people feel sadness about their children getting older but I don't. I'm sure I will one day but right now I am really looking forward to it. He gets more fun everyday. I love him.

And I love all of you too. Your prayers and continued support are very appreciated.

And then there were 2... again.

Well Jeremy just left. He came in for the weekend since he was off work. I know a lot of people have questions/concerns/curiosity, so I will do my best to explain what I can.

We are still a family. We still want to be. It's strange when we are around each other. It's like nothing is different. He is no longer with this other person, nor does he want to be. I think he realized that it was a bad choice and not what was right. That being said... him and I are going to take this time apart to make some changes. We are going to try things again in a few months. He is leaving in September anyway for a short deployment so we want to see how things are when he comes home. The time apart will either make us or break us. As of right now, we are both hoping for the best. We are hoping that someday soon... we can be together again and raise our son as a whole. He deserves that. I deserve that. Jeremy deserves that. I know a lot of you probably don't understand. But I hope that you can put yourselves in my shoes before you judge my decision. I realize what he did was horrible and wrong. But it isn't unforgivable. One quality I have that I am proud of is understanding. I understand temptation, I understand mistakes, and I understand us. He was my world. I wouldn't have made all of the sacrifices I made if I didn't want to be with him. And don't get me wrong... I am not letting him just get away with this. There are many stones we will have to cross in our road along the way. And neither of us know what the outcome will be. Whether it ends with us together again, or apart. But I am very happy in the place we are right now. I think we have set ourselves up for achievement. Either way this ends, we both still love each other very much and will raise our son the best way we can. Together. We don't have to be lovers to do that. So for now, we will just take this time apart to learn to appreciate each other. We are already doing that actually. He realizes now what he lost. And he knows it will take time to get it back. Time and committment. I am willing to forgive and move on, but he needs to forgive himself too. That is just as important as my forgiveness. He has a lot of guilt right now. A lot. But thankfully he has rid himself of the reason and he can move forward now. He needs to do this for himself. Not for her, not for me. Just him. There is this song called "whatever it takes" by Lifehouse. It really reminds me of him. There is a line in it that says, "you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me". It shows so much truth in our situation. I can't save him anymore. He needs to do what he can for himself before he can ever love Remington and I fully.

So in Missouri I will stay. At least for now. He is coming back for Remington's birthday in August, then leaving in September. We will remain husband and wife and be there to support each other and make decisions about our son as a team. And maybe when he comes home and things settle down, we will possibly see how things are again. If not, that's fine too. We still love each other and have the best connection, our son.

I hope you all had a fabulous holiday weekend. We spent it 100 % of the time together. It was great. Remington was so happy the whole time and LOVED his daddy being here. Now we are off to a BBQ with family as Jeremy travels back to Kentucky. I love you all and thank you for your continued support.