Relaxing is a good thing.

Just wanted to drop a quick update. Sorry I have been so slow in my blogging world. Taking care of Remington alone is a busy busy job. Plus, I have great friends and family that have been keeping me distracted and having fun :)

Anyway.. I am in Kentucky. I came down for a little break away. Rem is with my mom and my aunt had him today. He is having a blast, so it helps me enjoy my time a little better. It is nice to have some time off from being a mom all the time. Jeremy and I are getting along good. We really needed some time to talk and enjoy each other again. He told me the other day that he wants to get back to how we were a long time ago and that it will be a fun process to get there. So far he is right. I am still having a very hard time trusting him again. It will take me a long time to move on from what he did and believe he won't again. Especially since certain parties won't leave us alone. I wish some people could take a hint.. but we all know how people like that are. I am not going to let her or anyone else ruin us. Not again. We have a good thing going right now and I don't want ANYONE to get in the way. Him and I have history. We are a family. Getting us back to a good place is very important to us both. Being here has helped. I worried a little about him moving out of our house but now that I am here and see where he is living and who he is living with, I feel much better. They are good people. I know he will be fine and safe here. And maybe when he comes home, Remington and I can join him again. Things will never be the same between us, but I think that part of our life is over. I am ready to see the "new" life we will have together. And if for some reason, it takes us another direction, at least we tried. And our relationship will be even stronger, no matter which way this ends.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I can't wait to go out on a date and enjoy each other's company again. I have only been here a day, but I am already having fun. We laughed and had a blast last night, so I know the rest of the weekend will go great. We are going to see a movie too. It was always our thing before we had Remington. It will be fun to go with him again and relive some old times and hopefully rekindle old flames ;)

Expectations.

I used to have dreams. Dreams about our family. I pictured living in a small house, sitting on the porch watching my husband play with our kids. That man was Jeremy. As each day goes by, I am unsure of what to do. I know he is willing to work on himself and make this right again, but now I am not so sure what I want. I have been thinking so much about what he did lately. I keep thinking about my husband with someone else. It is a feeling that no one can explain or understand unless they have been there. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I was just thinking about all of the things they did together and all of the things he has said to me and was beginning to think I could never work past it. Then I saw a really good friend today. I won't mention her name, she knows who she is. She had no idea that I was feeling this but she was talking to me about everything and just brought it up. She told me if I never let go of it and move forward or feel like I have to pay him back for what he did, that we will NEVER work. She said that I couldn't control what happened, but I can control our future together. To you.. you have no clue how much I needed to hear that. I fear that I will always have it in the back of my head but she is right. If he chooses us and chooses to move forward, then I need to leave it at that. Humans make mistakes. I get it. This whole process isn't just going to strengthen our marriage/relationship... it is going to make me stronger too. I need to move forward if I am ever going to love him or someone else again.

And to someone else... I know you are reading this. Yes, I know you are and you know who you are. I hope you can find comfort and love too someday. I truly do.

I've hit a wall.

I feel like things have just stalled. For the past 6 years, I have always had something to look forward to. Some big event coming up. But right now I am stuck. Work was going really well but I had to quit. My mom's husband took a job and I won't have a sitter for Rem at 5 am. It was a rough shift for a single mom of a 2 year old. My boss was super understanding though. I feel like it's best right now. I am going to enjoy some time off and maybe look for something soon.

As far as how I'm feeling... I feel trapped. I am beginning to get used to living in this small town again and getting used to how things are now. It's scaring me. It is making me nervous. My mood changes drastically day-to-day and I feel overwhelmed. The strange part of it is that I have no reason to. Jeremy and my mom are happy to take care of Rem and I and make me feel safe and that I don't have to worry. But I do. Things with Jeremy and I are going well though. We have really been trying to work on treating each other better and trying to make each other smile. The random texts and talks are very reassuring. He told me the other day that someday soon we will find the love again that we used to have for each other. I am going out there next weeked. Just me. For just a couple days. We really need some time alone. It will be great to have him next to me again. Each time we see each other and each day that goes by, we are getting a tiny bit closer and a tiny bit better. I really feel like we have a good chance of working this out. I am going to stay here still though. He is deploying soon anyway, so we are going to take the time apart as an opportunity to save money. I think the distance makes us stronger too. We look forward to the next time we will see each other and appreciate it. Missing someone can make you love them a lot more. (just a little something I have learned) My biggest worry is just getting through these next few months. I still have a hard time trusting him. He has promised to stay faithful and committed. I believe him, but him actually doing it will be what makes me trust him. People screw up. I get it. But if they are willing to admit when they're wrong and move forward, I believe in second chances.

Remington is doing well too. He asks for daddy a lot but for the most part, he is perfectly fine. He is OBSESSED with my mother and her husband. He loves them so much. He is also getting closer to the family too and my best friend. Everyone adores him. I told Jeremy just last night that my friend Olivia loves him a lot. His response was "how could anyone not". It made me smile :) He is so right. Remington's smile and spirit are filled with love. He is crazy right now. So hyper and emotional, but watching him and seeing him change is amazing. He will be 2 next month and my little boy is growing up. A lot of people feel sadness about their children getting older but I don't. I'm sure I will one day but right now I am really looking forward to it. He gets more fun everyday. I love him.

And I love all of you too. Your prayers and continued support are very appreciated.

And then there were 2... again.

Well Jeremy just left. He came in for the weekend since he was off work. I know a lot of people have questions/concerns/curiosity, so I will do my best to explain what I can.

We are still a family. We still want to be. It's strange when we are around each other. It's like nothing is different. He is no longer with this other person, nor does he want to be. I think he realized that it was a bad choice and not what was right. That being said... him and I are going to take this time apart to make some changes. We are going to try things again in a few months. He is leaving in September anyway for a short deployment so we want to see how things are when he comes home. The time apart will either make us or break us. As of right now, we are both hoping for the best. We are hoping that someday soon... we can be together again and raise our son as a whole. He deserves that. I deserve that. Jeremy deserves that. I know a lot of you probably don't understand. But I hope that you can put yourselves in my shoes before you judge my decision. I realize what he did was horrible and wrong. But it isn't unforgivable. One quality I have that I am proud of is understanding. I understand temptation, I understand mistakes, and I understand us. He was my world. I wouldn't have made all of the sacrifices I made if I didn't want to be with him. And don't get me wrong... I am not letting him just get away with this. There are many stones we will have to cross in our road along the way. And neither of us know what the outcome will be. Whether it ends with us together again, or apart. But I am very happy in the place we are right now. I think we have set ourselves up for achievement. Either way this ends, we both still love each other very much and will raise our son the best way we can. Together. We don't have to be lovers to do that. So for now, we will just take this time apart to learn to appreciate each other. We are already doing that actually. He realizes now what he lost. And he knows it will take time to get it back. Time and committment. I am willing to forgive and move on, but he needs to forgive himself too. That is just as important as my forgiveness. He has a lot of guilt right now. A lot. But thankfully he has rid himself of the reason and he can move forward now. He needs to do this for himself. Not for her, not for me. Just him. There is this song called "whatever it takes" by Lifehouse. It really reminds me of him. There is a line in it that says, "you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me". It shows so much truth in our situation. I can't save him anymore. He needs to do what he can for himself before he can ever love Remington and I fully.

So in Missouri I will stay. At least for now. He is coming back for Remington's birthday in August, then leaving in September. We will remain husband and wife and be there to support each other and make decisions about our son as a team. And maybe when he comes home and things settle down, we will possibly see how things are again. If not, that's fine too. We still love each other and have the best connection, our son.

I hope you all had a fabulous holiday weekend. We spent it 100 % of the time together. It was great. Remington was so happy the whole time and LOVED his daddy being here. Now we are off to a BBQ with family as Jeremy travels back to Kentucky. I love you all and thank you for your continued support.

Work. It does a body good.

Well I started work today. It was only paperwork and orientation, but it was really great to be there. My boss is super nice and flexible. I hope I can get along with everyone and that they will like me and trust me. Tomorrow is my first official day on the "job". I am training for 3 days, then I will be on my own. My hours are 3:30-8:30 am. I know that sounds rough but actually I am really looking forward to it. I will have all day and evenings off with Remington and will only ever need a sitter for about 2 hours. Plus, I haven't worked in 2 years, so this will be an easy transition until I am ready for full-time.

Jeremy is coming to visit this weekend. He is really excited to see Remington. I am glad that we were able to talk like adults and work it out that he come. I know he wanted to badly but felt pressured not too. Seeing Remington is what is most important. NOTHING else. NO ONE else. We are going to do things as a family too. I have the weekend off and we plan on spending it together. I know people probably won't understand but we are still a family. I want Remington to know that he has us both at all times. I think it will be fun. We are finally in a good place with each other. We still love each other and want to be a family. Despite what he did, we were in a bad place and really needed some time apart. We are both happy and enjoying being apart. I have been able to do a lot and not feel guilty about it. I have seen friends and family I haven't been able to see in awhile. It has been just fantastic. And I really feel like we are both where we need to be, right now. Neither of us know what the future holds. All we know is that Remington is OURS. He connects us and we will ALWAYS be a family. No one will ever come between that.

And lastly, I want to share another special moment I had with Remington today. The poor little guy is cutting FOUR teeth! He had a rough night last night and was up super early, burning up. I had to go to work and when I finally came home, he was asleep. He slept for 3 hours and I layed in bed with him the whole time. When he woke up, he was very quiet. I could tell he was in pain. So I picked him up and didn't put him down. I came to the freezer and got him an "isicle". Brought him to the couch and just sat with him on my lap facing me. He was so content and quiet and trust me, this boy is never quiet. He sucked on the popsicle and just smiled at me each time, offering me a bite. No one else was here and no music or tv was on. His sweet little face was so flushed and his eyes were so heavy, but he was so happy. I cherished every second of that moment. I am the one he loves more than anyone. I am his favorite. I am the love of his life. So is he. He is all those things to me as well. I love him so much it hurts.

I'm mad today.

I promise you all that I will have a positive post this week, once I start my job. I am actually really looking forward to it :)

But today... I am mad. I had a really good past 2 nights with great friends. But for some reason, I woke up angry today. He is starting to confuse me again. I wish he would just keep his feelings to himself. All it does is screw with my head. He tells me one thing... and I know he is telling her something completely different. She can't be very smart though, since she has fallen for his lies and continues to go on with him. I won't though. I know he is only saying these things so that I will hold onto an empty dream that isn't really there. He doesn't want me to move on and that's why he's doing that. Well I have news for him, it won't work. I want love again. I want a family. I want more children. I want my son to have a good, strong man around to help him through life. Whether that is his father, or not.

He needs to stop. At first, I thought I would on board for working things out but now I'm not so sure. He has to STOP what he's doing with "other" people first. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Not in this situation at least. Decide what you want, you jerk, and quit messing with me!

I'm off to church. I need some guidance and comfort today.

Some light.

I promise this post will end on a good note.

I got a bit of disturbing news this morning. I can't and won't share what but I am just tired of being hurt and disappointed by this man I called a husband, just 1 month ago. I am also just disgusted in the choice of "people" he now surrounds himself with. I now believe they are perfect for each other. A family was destoyed over this dumb choice that they BOTH made. How either of them can continue to respect one another is beyond me. And exactly that... beyond. I am done. I am done being nice and playing the good person card. No one has done that for me, so why the hell should I do it for them? Our son should be number 1. No one else. And once he falls to the side and is no longer first priority to you, I rid myself of you in my life. I lose respect and love. I hate that I am still in love with this man. But everyday I fall more and more out of it. There is no way I can love a man who throws away his family for a temporary emotion. He will come around, I just know it. He will regret all of this and it will be too late. I deserve better and I WILL have better. He doesn't. Neither of them do. He could have done this differently and the right way. But no, he wanted to play dirty. I don't play dirty. In fact, I hate being dirty. So I won't. I'm done.

And now for the positive...

I was leaving my mom's work tonight and the tire pressure light in my car came on. I got out, found a giant nail in one of tires, and just lost it. I headed straight out to Wal-Mart since it was already 7 and I knew nowhere else would be open. On the drive, I broke down. So I turned the music off, listened to my son hum a sweet tune, rolled the windows down, and prayed. I prayed loud and hard to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for help, guidance, comfort, and stability. They only took 30 mins to fix my tire. And it barely cost me anything, which I was extremely grateful for since money is very tight. While we waited, I took Rem to Subway for dinner. We sat in the booth next to each other and shared a sandwich. He had his own little half and just looking at him eat and smile and kick his feet around as they dangled, warmed my soul. All this time I kept thinking I wasn't lovable anymore. I was blinded and I admit that I haven't been the best mother the past month. But in that moment, I was reminded of the best blessing I have. He knows no pain, no judgment, no hate. He just loves me. He loves his mommy and sharing a sandwich with me was the best part of his day. I came home, gave him a bath, and laughed so hard when he put bubbles on his nose. Then we were laying in my bed with my mom, talking to my sister in Korea, when my phone rang. I got the job :) It's only 2 days a week and doesn't pay much but man did it make me feel good. They chose ME. They believe in ME. And he doesn't. It was just another reminder of why I NEED to be here.

Him and I are through. But my best days are yet to come. I have the love of my life, a job, a car, a support system that people only dream of, and I have my faith. Faith that the Lord will hold my hand through every moment of this and bless me with love again someday.