Expectations.

I used to have dreams. Dreams about our family. I pictured living in a small house, sitting on the porch watching my husband play with our kids. That man was Jeremy. As each day goes by, I am unsure of what to do. I know he is willing to work on himself and make this right again, but now I am not so sure what I want. I have been thinking so much about what he did lately. I keep thinking about my husband with someone else. It is a feeling that no one can explain or understand unless they have been there. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I was just thinking about all of the things they did together and all of the things he has said to me and was beginning to think I could never work past it. Then I saw a really good friend today. I won't mention her name, she knows who she is. She had no idea that I was feeling this but she was talking to me about everything and just brought it up. She told me if I never let go of it and move forward or feel like I have to pay him back for what he did, that we will NEVER work. She said that I couldn't control what happened, but I can control our future together. To you.. you have no clue how much I needed to hear that. I fear that I will always have it in the back of my head but she is right. If he chooses us and chooses to move forward, then I need to leave it at that. Humans make mistakes. I get it. This whole process isn't just going to strengthen our marriage/relationship... it is going to make me stronger too. I need to move forward if I am ever going to love him or someone else again.

And to someone else... I know you are reading this. Yes, I know you are and you know who you are. I hope you can find comfort and love too someday. I truly do.